So adoption day happened, and the end of the school year happened, and a summer full of traveling happened, and the new school year happened… every day I meant to post, but every day seem to have some new and crazy thing that kept me from posting.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks especially. I started Charlie in the preschool at my school, and by six weeks in they decided that he was not ready for preschool. His old daycare had openings, actually she didn’t have anyone at the moment. For various reasons the kids had moved on to elementary, some had permanent placement out of the foster system, or some were pulled out for financial reasons. Even one kid was moved out because Charlie wasn’t there anymore.
I wrestled and prayed about the right place for him to go after leaving preschool. Was going to a new daycare situation going to run into the same problems he had a preschool? Was going back to his old daycare going to stall, or even regress, the progress he had been making? I just kept praying that God would give me the right answer for my little guy.
We moved back to his old daycare, and I was able to get some additional services from the early intervention organization. So he’s back at daycare, but he really doesn’t have peer interaction anymore on a daily basis. I still don’t know if that was the right decision.
But with his new schedule with all the new therapies that need to be done at home and at daycare, I feel like I’m never at school anymore. Grading is a huge challenge at home. Partially from my own procrastination and partially from the inability to grade essays with the two-year-old around.
Every day I don’t get stuff done, and then I feel overwhelmed and not want to do anything, which by not doing anything makes me feel more overwhelmed and useless… And the cycle repeats.
I’ve started following this one motivational speaker, well she’s an author Who also runs a media company, and who has kind of become a motivational speaker. She started this #Last90Days at the beginning of October, to help get her tribe motivated to end the year strong and not collapse into the bad habits we always fall into.
It’s kind of strange that I was actually doing better with her #5ToThrive before I jumped into this year and focus. Maybe it’s because the Sunday before this started I didn’t get to do my meal prep. Maybe it’s because now that I’m paying for daycare again money is stressing me out. Maybe it’s because this past weekend my mom and my aunt came to town and I played. Maybe it’s because this week I’ve tried to get up at least an hour before he wakes up, to have my time to get myself together get organized, and possibly even get some work done, but he keeps waking up shortly after I get up.
Maybe it’s because I am struggling with my version of not being “enough” and I’m sabotaging myself. I haven’t totally figured out what my enough is. I know I’m not in enough, even my doctor wants me to lose weight. I’m not organized enough, even though so many people think I’m actually the most organized person around. I don’t feel like I’m a present enough teacher anymore, especially because my little guy takes priority over my students.
All in all I’ve really struggled this week with feeling like not enough of anything for anyone.
I just keep trying to tell myself that at least I don’t have an alien living in my closet.